Governing Badly Since Democracy Began
After $11.7 million in funding and contributions from 847 experts across six federal agencies, researchers have conclusively determined that the infrastructure thing is indeed still broken. The original napkin remains unfiled in a desk drawer in Topeka.
The Comprehensive Problem-Solving and General Fix-It Act of 1974 has been sitting in the Federal Register for fifty years, unused and apparently forgotten by everyone including the people who wrote it. Congressional leaders are calling for new legislation to address this oversight.
Sources confirm that America's foreign policy apparatus is currently being managed by unpaid 22-year-olds while senior officials attend a three-day retreat focused on 'Strategic Vision Actualization.' The State Department's coffee budget has mysteriously doubled.
Washington's premier political consulting firms have issued their annual joint statement confirming that American voters are definitely about to start paying attention to politics any day now. The prediction, unchanged since 1986, comes with renewed confidence and several pre-invoiced consulting packages for the awakening.
After three years and $12 million in taxpayer investment, the Federal Processing Modernization Agency has achieved the impossible: making government services simultaneously more digital and more analog than ever before. The breakthrough system requires users to complete an online form to request permission to fill out a different online form that generates a confirmation code needed to operate the office fax machine.
The Procedural Reform Acceleration and Coordination to Improve Coordination Act represents a breakthrough in legislative efficiency, successfully establishing a 47-member task force empowered to recommend the formation of a working group that might eventually identify what problem they were supposed to solve. Experts hail it as either revolutionary progress or an elaborate form of government performance art.
The $847 million voter analysis industry warns that direct communication between politicians and constituents could bypass crucial intermediary services. Emergency summit scheduled to address alarming trend of politicians accidentally understanding what voters want.
The Department of Digital Transformation proudly announces its $127 million online platform that successfully recreates every inconvenience of in-person bureaucracy while adding several innovative new obstacles. Citizens can now experience the frustration of government services from the comfort of their own homes.
The newly established National Commission on Commission Effectiveness has begun its comprehensive review of why 47 previous investigative panels failed to determine their own purpose. Initial findings suggest the problem may require additional study.
Following extensive hearings in which senators expressed genuine surprise that social media platforms operate using electricity, Congress has produced a landmark 847-page bill that accidentally regulates everything except social media. The legislation includes helpful definitions such as 'algorithm: a mathematical process that does math' and requires all digital content to be approved by a committee that meets twice yearly.
Washington's premier influence professionals gathered to commemorate their invaluable contributions to American democracy at an exclusive event where attendance was limited to those who could afford to demonstrate their commitment to democratic participation. The evening featured heartfelt testimonials about how professional advocacy ensures that every voice is heard, provided that voice is properly amplified through appropriate channels.
After extensive deliberation, federal officials have triumphantly announced they are nearly ready to commence the preliminary phases of potentially starting to consider the infrastructure project Congress approved in 2019. The breakthrough came following a comprehensive review of who might be qualified to lead the committee that will eventually decide what the project should accomplish.
After 24 months and $8.3 million, the Department of Administrative Excellence has successfully determined that determining things requires determination. Officials celebrate the conclusive proof that their methodology for proving methodologies works exactly as methodically as intended.
The Department of Administrative Excellence has successfully concluded its four-year strategic overhaul designed to streamline operations, with the final report arriving precisely as officials break ground on an identical four-year strategic overhaul. Agency leaders describe the timing as 'serendipitous' and 'cost-effective.'
The Federal Bureau of Strategic Readiness Operations has reached a remarkable milestone: thirty years of flawless preparation for work that might eventually begin. Officials say the agency's commitment to thorough groundwork has never been stronger.
The newly formed Efficiency Modernization Coordination Council has successfully turned the simple act of improving government into a 23-person committee that requires three separate approvals to schedule a coffee break. Their first major accomplishment: determining that efficiency requires more inefficiency.
The Federal Advisory Committee on Advisory Committee Optimization has delivered its definitive verdict after 18 months of rigorous deliberation: America desperately needs three additional committees to properly understand what they just spent 18 months studying. The 200-page report recommends forming committees to review the committee that reviewed committees.
A freshly minted oversight committee has begun the delicate process of examining why its predecessor failed to examine why their predecessor failed to examine anything meaningful. The investigation into the investigation of investigations is expected to require its own investigation by early 2025.
The Federal Interagency Working Group on Interagency Working Groups has spent thirty years determining if government needs working groups. Their conclusion remains pending, though they've successfully created fourteen subcommittees to help reach it.
In a groundbreaking move toward government transparency, Congress has mandated that all legislation include plain-language summaries, which must themselves be summarized. The 1,400-page bill establishing this requirement notably lacks any summary whatsoever.