The Orderly Chaos Governing Badly Since Democracy Began

The Orderly Chaos

Governing Badly Since Democracy Began

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The Emergency Measure Nobody Remembers Passing Is Now Old Enough to Have Children Who Work Near It
Politics

The Emergency Measure Nobody Remembers Passing Is Now Old Enough to Have Children Who Work Near It

A stopgap provision inserted into federal law in 1997 as a brief and targeted intervention has just been renewed for the fourteenth consecutive time, having outlasted three presidencies, two recessions, and at least one of the staffers who originally drafted it. The provision, which was described at the time as a 'transitional measure pending permanent resolution,' has now been in temporary effect for longer than TikTok, most of its overseers, and the career of any sitting member of Congress who
America's Mayors Gather to Formally Declare That They Will Stop Formally Declaring Things
Tech & Culture

America's Mayors Gather to Formally Declare That They Will Stop Formally Declaring Things

The National Convening of Municipal Leadership Excellence — an annual summit of US mayors that has itself been held annually since 2009 — produced this week a landmark joint declaration calling for a significant reduction in non-binding joint declarations. The declaration, which is non-binding, was adopted unanimously following a three-hour panel on the importance of shorter panels. Next year's summit has already been booked.
Consulting Firm Charges $3.2 Million to Read Agency's Website Aloud in a Formal Document
Politics

Consulting Firm Charges $3.2 Million to Read Agency's Website Aloud in a Formal Document

The Bureau of Regulatory Alignment and Procedural Oversight has unveiled a landmark 600-page strategic mission report, the central finding of which appears to be that the bureau has a website. The report, commissioned at a cost of $3.2 million from the consulting firm Meridian Clarity Partners LLC, quotes the agency's own About page on 47 separate occasions, each time with full citations. A follow-up study to evaluate the report's findings has already been budgeted.
Political Consultants Announce, For the Seventeenth Consecutive Election Cycle, That Voters Are Finally Ready to Think
Politics

Political Consultants Announce, For the Seventeenth Consecutive Election Cycle, That Voters Are Finally Ready to Think

The nation's political consulting class has once again reached unanimous agreement that 2026 will be the year the American electorate sets aside emotional responses, flag imagery, and memorable three-word slogans in favor of detailed policy analysis. They said this in 1994. They have said it every time since.
The Agency That Fixed Everything in 1983 Has 847 Employees and a Request for More
Politics

The Agency That Fixed Everything in 1983 Has 847 Employees and a Request for More

The Federal Office of Petroleum Allocation Stabilization was created in 1974 to solve a crisis that ended nine years later. It has since solved nothing, employed everyone, and written a great deal of documentation about why this is actually fine.
White House Unveils 97-Step Plan to Explain Things Simply, Clarifies That It Will Take Eleven Pages to Define the Word 'Clear'
Tech & Culture

White House Unveils 97-Step Plan to Explain Things Simply, Clarifies That It Will Take Eleven Pages to Define the Word 'Clear'

The Office of Strategic Public Communications has released its landmark Federal Plain Language and Accessibility Framework, a 340-page document designed to make government messaging easier for ordinary Americans to understand. The plain-language summary is expected in twelve to eighteen months.
Federal Agency Hails 'Historic Efficiency' After Responding to 2019 Public Comment in Fewer Than 2,000 Days
Politics

Federal Agency Hails 'Historic Efficiency' After Responding to 2019 Public Comment in Fewer Than 2,000 Days

The Bureau of Regulatory Standards and Compliance has issued a formal press release praising itself for responding to a public comment submitted in October 2019, describing the four-and-a-half-year turnaround as 'a new benchmark in participatory governance.' The comment concerned a regulation that has since been enacted, repealed, reinstated, and renamed. The Bureau is now accepting public comments on whether to accept public comments more quickly.
Senate Hopeful's Barnstorming Campaign to Solve Problem Quietly Solved During the Bush Administration Is Working Perfectly
Politics

Senate Hopeful's Barnstorming Campaign to Solve Problem Quietly Solved During the Bush Administration Is Working Perfectly

Congressman Dale Merritt of Tennessee is twelve points ahead in his Senate race on a platform built almost entirely around fixing a problem that Congress fixed in 2003. His campaign staff discovered this three weeks ago and have collectively decided it is not their problem. A fact-checker who has reviewed his speeches says he has 'moved past caring in a way that felt almost spiritual.'
Politics

Lobbying Industry Kindly Volunteers to Fix Lobbying Industry, Reports Everything Going Great

The nation's leading lobbying firms have stepped forward to clarify that the sweeping ethics reform bill currently moving through Congress was, in all meaningful ways, their project from the start. Experts from a think tank funded primarily by lobbying groups have confirmed this is how democracy is supposed to work. The bill is expected to pass with broad bipartisan support and a 400-page appendix nobody has read.
Ohio Retiree Discovers He Has Been Advising the Federal Government for Three Years, Would Prefer Not To
Tech & Culture

Ohio Retiree Discovers He Has Been Advising the Federal Government for Three Years, Would Prefer Not To

Dennis Hargrove, 67, of Perrysburg, Ohio, recently learned that he sits on three separate federal advisory boards covering telecommunications infrastructure, coastal erosion policy, and artisanal cheese export standards. He has not responded to a single email. Federal records indicate this places him in the top quarter of advisory board participants nationally.
Campaign Consultants Announce, With Great Confidence, That 2026 Is Categorically Unlike Every Other Year They Have Said This
Politics

Campaign Consultants Announce, With Great Confidence, That 2026 Is Categorically Unlike Every Other Year They Have Said This

A panel of Washington's most expensive political strategists convened this week to announce that the 2026 midterm electorate is, at long last, prepared for a sophisticated, evidence-based conversation about policy. Retainer agreements, sources confirm, were signed in January. The consultants were unavailable to explain why they said the same thing in 2022.
Fifty Years of Quiet Survival: The Federal Agency That Has Mastered the Art of Being Impossible to Kill
Politics

Fifty Years of Quiet Survival: The Federal Agency That Has Mastered the Art of Being Impossible to Kill

The Office of Interagency Coordination and Procedural Alignment turns fifty this month, marking half a century of successfully not being abolished. Senior officials describe the anniversary as 'a testament to strategic invisibility,' while budget analysts confirm they cannot find anyone who can explain what the agency actually does.
Archaeologists Unearth Perfectly Functional 1974 Statute That Could Have Solved Everything This Whole Time
Tech & Culture

Archaeologists Unearth Perfectly Functional 1974 Statute That Could Have Solved Everything This Whole Time

The Comprehensive Problem-Solving and General Fix-It Act of 1974 has been sitting in the Federal Register for fifty years, unused and apparently forgotten by everyone including the people who wrote it. Congressional leaders are calling for new legislation to address this oversight.
Groundbreaking Four-Decade Research Project Validates What Gary From Accounting Wrote on a Napkin in 1987
Politics

Groundbreaking Four-Decade Research Project Validates What Gary From Accounting Wrote on a Napkin in 1987

After $11.7 million in funding and contributions from 847 experts across six federal agencies, researchers have conclusively determined that the infrastructure thing is indeed still broken. The original napkin remains unfiled in a desk drawer in Topeka.
Emergency Democracy Operations Handed to College Students While Cabinet Secretaries Learn Leadership Skills in Arizona
Politics

Emergency Democracy Operations Handed to College Students While Cabinet Secretaries Learn Leadership Skills in Arizona

Sources confirm that America's foreign policy apparatus is currently being managed by unpaid 22-year-olds while senior officials attend a three-day retreat focused on 'Strategic Vision Actualization.' The State Department's coffee budget has mysteriously doubled.
Historic Legislation Creates Framework for Eventually Considering Whether to Address the Thing Everyone Forgot About
Politics

Historic Legislation Creates Framework for Eventually Considering Whether to Address the Thing Everyone Forgot About

The Procedural Reform Acceleration and Coordination to Improve Coordination Act represents a breakthrough in legislative efficiency, successfully establishing a 47-member task force empowered to recommend the formation of a working group that might eventually identify what problem they were supposed to solve. Experts hail it as either revolutionary progress or an elaborate form of government performance art.
Revolutionary Digital Initiative Successfully Transforms Simple Two-Click Process Into Six-Step Journey Back to 1987
Technology & Culture

Revolutionary Digital Initiative Successfully Transforms Simple Two-Click Process Into Six-Step Journey Back to 1987

After three years and $12 million in taxpayer investment, the Federal Processing Modernization Agency has achieved the impossible: making government services simultaneously more digital and more analog than ever before. The breakthrough system requires users to complete an online form to request permission to fill out a different online form that generates a confirmation code needed to operate the office fax machine.
Political Consulting Industry Maintains Perfect 38-Year Track Record of Predicting Imminent Voter Enlightenment
Politics

Political Consulting Industry Maintains Perfect 38-Year Track Record of Predicting Imminent Voter Enlightenment

Washington's premier political consulting firms have issued their annual joint statement confirming that American voters are definitely about to start paying attention to politics any day now. The prediction, unchanged since 1986, comes with renewed confidence and several pre-invoiced consulting packages for the awakening.
Professional Democracy Interpreters Express Grave Concerns About Amateur Democracy Interpretation
Politics

Professional Democracy Interpreters Express Grave Concerns About Amateur Democracy Interpretation

The $847 million voter analysis industry warns that direct communication between politicians and constituents could bypass crucial intermediary services. Emergency summit scheduled to address alarming trend of politicians accidentally understanding what voters want.
Revolutionary Government Portal Achieves Perfect Digital Simulation of Standing in Line at the DMV
Tech & Culture

Revolutionary Government Portal Achieves Perfect Digital Simulation of Standing in Line at the DMV

The Department of Digital Transformation proudly announces its $127 million online platform that successfully recreates every inconvenience of in-person bureaucracy while adding several innovative new obstacles. Citizens can now experience the frustration of government services from the comfort of their own homes.