Governing Badly Since Democracy Began
The Office of Streamlined Operations has successfully concluded a three-year logo design process, producing what officials describe as 'a revolutionary circular representation of bureaucratic excellence.' The geometric breakthrough required only fourteen committees and two design firms to achieve.
Buried inside the Consolidated American Infrastructure Investment and Renewal Act — between a provision extending tax credits for certain categories of gravel and a sub-clause exempting a specific bridge in western Pennsylvania from the definition of 'bridge' — is a 900-word rider formally defining what the word 'infrastructure' means. The definition is effective retroactively. Experts say this raises questions. The experts have not agreed on what those questions are.
Somewhere in a federal building in Washington, a task force is meeting to discuss the elimination of redundant task forces. Across town, a separate task force is meeting to discuss the same thing, unaware the first one exists. A third is preparing a report on both of them, though it has not yet been told about either. This is, experts say, the system working.
The Bureau of Interagency Coordination and Regulatory Alignment has spent three years, eighteen contractor bids, and the GDP of a small Caribbean nation redesigning its public-facing website. The homepage now loads in under four seconds. The PDF explaining what the Bureau actually does has been unavailable since Tuesday, February 2022, and is expected to remain so.
In a rare display of cross-aisle harmony, the United States Congress has unanimously passed legislation renaming a rural Nebraska post office after a locally beloved mail carrier, with both parties immediately declaring it proof that democracy is working. The post office in question has been closed since 2019. Seventeen sitting senators have issued press releases claiming primary responsibility for the achievement.
The Office of Administrative Streamlining has released its landmark Strategic Reduction of Strategic Planning Initiatives report, a 400-page document recommending the immediate formation of three new subcommittees to oversee the elimination of subcommittees. The report took four years, cost $14 million, and has been filed in a cabinet for which no one appears to own a key.
By every available metric — financial stability, sleep quality, blood pressure, and general outlook — a 47-year-old accountant from Fond du Lac, Wisconsin, has outperformed the combined legislative output of the 118th Congress simply by unsubscribing from everything and going to bed at ten. Political consultants are reportedly furious. He has since been asked to run for Senate.
In scenes of near-tearful unity not witnessed since the last post office renaming in April, the United States Senate passed the Gerald R. Hoffmeister Memorial Postal Facility Designation Act by a vote of 97 to 3, prompting senators from both parties to declare that American democracy is, in fact, still alive. Seventeen bills addressing infrastructure, prescription drug pricing, and the federal debt ceiling remain tabled pending improved atmospheric conditions, currently forecast for approximately 2047.
The Brookings-Adjacent Center for Sensible Discourse has released what it is calling the most comprehensive roadmap for democratic renewal in a generation, a 14-point framework that its authors describe as both urgent and, in a development they stress is entirely coincidental, exclusively implementable by the Center itself at a cost of $4.7 million per phase. The Center's executive director has called for immediate action, beginning with a funded feasibility study to determine the feasibility of funding the feasibility study.
After thirty-seven years of careful preparation, the Federal Office of Interagency Review Coordination has published its long-awaited assessment of an agency most of its own staff believed to be fictional. The report runs to 847 pages, 612 of which are appendices explaining why the other 235 pages should not be taken as definitive. Nothing will change.
For the first time in recorded history, twelve of Washington's most ideologically opposed think tanks stood shoulder to shoulder at a joint press conference to announce a landmark area of agreement. They all need more funding. Specifically, to find out whether they need more funding. Three new think tanks were established before the press conference ended.
The Department of Motor Vehicles, for generations a reliable shorthand for governmental incompetence, has quietly ascended to the top of the Federal Agency Competency Index — not because it got dramatically better, but because everything else got dramatically worse. A regional supervisor in Akron, Ohio, has asked not to be quoted and then said several very quotable things.
In a historic display of legislative momentum, the United States Congress has unveiled an ambitious new working group tasked with determining whether conditions are right to explore the possibility of forming a committee. Experts describe it as 'the boldest act of structured inaction in modern American governance.' The group meets quarterly, pending availability.
Before Reddit was the front page of the internet, there was Digg — a scrappy, user-powered news aggregator that once ruled the web with an iron fist and a comment section full of flame wars. This is the story of how it rose, how it fell, and how it keeps refusing to stay dead.
Once upon a time, Digg was the undisputed king of the early internet — a place where nerds, news junkies, and professional procrastinators gathered to vote stories up or down like tiny digital gods. Then came a catastrophic redesign, a mass exodus, and one of the most spectacular self-owns in tech history. Grab a coffee. This one's a ride.