Governing Badly Since Democracy Began
The newly established National Commission on Commission Effectiveness has begun its comprehensive review of why 47 previous investigative panels failed to determine their own purpose. Initial findings suggest the problem may require additional study.
Washington's premier influence professionals gathered to commemorate their invaluable contributions to American democracy at an exclusive event where attendance was limited to those who could afford to demonstrate their commitment to democratic participation. The evening featured heartfelt testimonials about how professional advocacy ensures that every voice is heard, provided that voice is properly amplified through appropriate channels.
Following extensive hearings in which senators expressed genuine surprise that social media platforms operate using electricity, Congress has produced a landmark 847-page bill that accidentally regulates everything except social media. The legislation includes helpful definitions such as 'algorithm: a mathematical process that does math' and requires all digital content to be approved by a committee that meets twice yearly.
After extensive deliberation, federal officials have triumphantly announced they are nearly ready to commence the preliminary phases of potentially starting to consider the infrastructure project Congress approved in 2019. The breakthrough came following a comprehensive review of who might be qualified to lead the committee that will eventually decide what the project should accomplish.
After 24 months and $8.3 million, the Department of Administrative Excellence has successfully determined that determining things requires determination. Officials celebrate the conclusive proof that their methodology for proving methodologies works exactly as methodically as intended.
The Department of Administrative Excellence has successfully concluded its four-year strategic overhaul designed to streamline operations, with the final report arriving precisely as officials break ground on an identical four-year strategic overhaul. Agency leaders describe the timing as 'serendipitous' and 'cost-effective.'
The Federal Bureau of Strategic Readiness Operations has reached a remarkable milestone: thirty years of flawless preparation for work that might eventually begin. Officials say the agency's commitment to thorough groundwork has never been stronger.
The newly formed Efficiency Modernization Coordination Council has successfully turned the simple act of improving government into a 23-person committee that requires three separate approvals to schedule a coffee break. Their first major accomplishment: determining that efficiency requires more inefficiency.
The Federal Advisory Committee on Advisory Committee Optimization has delivered its definitive verdict after 18 months of rigorous deliberation: America desperately needs three additional committees to properly understand what they just spent 18 months studying. The 200-page report recommends forming committees to review the committee that reviewed committees.
A freshly minted oversight committee has begun the delicate process of examining why its predecessor failed to examine why their predecessor failed to examine anything meaningful. The investigation into the investigation of investigations is expected to require its own investigation by early 2025.
The Federal Interagency Working Group on Interagency Working Groups has spent thirty years determining if government needs working groups. Their conclusion remains pending, though they've successfully created fourteen subcommittees to help reach it.
In a groundbreaking move toward government transparency, Congress has mandated that all legislation include plain-language summaries, which must themselves be summarized. The 1,400-page bill establishing this requirement notably lacks any summary whatsoever.
The Federal Bureau of Administrative Standardization has achieved what experts are calling 'peak bureaucracy' with the release of their new Meta-Strategic Framework Development Protocol. After three years of intensive committee work, they've successfully created a system for creating systems that will create future systems.
The Bureau of Strategic Foresight has finally released its comprehensive 2022-2025 Vision Statement, arriving fashionably late in December 2025 with all the timeliness of a sundial at midnight. Officials remain confident the document accurately predicts what should have happened eighteen months ago.
The Office of Streamlined Operations has successfully concluded a three-year logo design process, producing what officials describe as 'a revolutionary circular representation of bureaucratic excellence.' The geometric breakthrough required only fourteen committees and two design firms to achieve.
Somewhere in a federal building in Washington, a task force is meeting to discuss the elimination of redundant task forces. Across town, a separate task force is meeting to discuss the same thing, unaware the first one exists. A third is preparing a report on both of them, though it has not yet been told about either. This is, experts say, the system working.
The Bureau of Interagency Coordination and Regulatory Alignment has spent three years, eighteen contractor bids, and the GDP of a small Caribbean nation redesigning its public-facing website. The homepage now loads in under four seconds. The PDF explaining what the Bureau actually does has been unavailable since Tuesday, February 2022, and is expected to remain so.
Buried inside the Consolidated American Infrastructure Investment and Renewal Act — between a provision extending tax credits for certain categories of gravel and a sub-clause exempting a specific bridge in western Pennsylvania from the definition of 'bridge' — is a 900-word rider formally defining what the word 'infrastructure' means. The definition is effective retroactively. Experts say this raises questions. The experts have not agreed on what those questions are.
By every available metric — financial stability, sleep quality, blood pressure, and general outlook — a 47-year-old accountant from Fond du Lac, Wisconsin, has outperformed the combined legislative output of the 118th Congress simply by unsubscribing from everything and going to bed at ten. Political consultants are reportedly furious. He has since been asked to run for Senate.
The Office of Administrative Streamlining has released its landmark Strategic Reduction of Strategic Planning Initiatives report, a 400-page document recommending the immediate formation of three new subcommittees to oversee the elimination of subcommittees. The report took four years, cost $14 million, and has been filed in a cabinet for which no one appears to own a key.