Governing Badly Since Democracy Began

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Governing Badly Since Democracy Began

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Revolutionary Digital Initiative Successfully Transforms Simple Two-Click Process Into Six-Step Journey Back to 1987
Technology & Culture

Revolutionary Digital Initiative Successfully Transforms Simple Two-Click Process Into Six-Step Journey Back to 1987

After three years and $12 million in taxpayer investment, the Federal Processing Modernization Agency has achieved the impossible: making government services simultaneously more digital and more analog than ever before. The breakthrough system requires users to complete an online form to request permission to fill out a different online form that generates a confirmation code needed to operate the office fax machine.
Historic Legislation Creates Framework for Eventually Considering Whether to Address the Thing Everyone Forgot About
Politics

Historic Legislation Creates Framework for Eventually Considering Whether to Address the Thing Everyone Forgot About

The Procedural Reform Acceleration and Coordination to Improve Coordination Act represents a breakthrough in legislative efficiency, successfully establishing a 47-member task force empowered to recommend the formation of a working group that might eventually identify what problem they were supposed to solve. Experts hail it as either revolutionary progress or an elaborate form of government performance art.
Political Consulting Industry Maintains Perfect 38-Year Track Record of Predicting Imminent Voter Enlightenment
Politics

Political Consulting Industry Maintains Perfect 38-Year Track Record of Predicting Imminent Voter Enlightenment

Washington's premier political consulting firms have issued their annual joint statement confirming that American voters are definitely about to start paying attention to politics any day now. The prediction, unchanged since 1986, comes with renewed confidence and several pre-invoiced consulting packages for the awakening.
Bipartisan Commission Formed to Study Why Previous Commissions Failed to Study Commission Failures
Politics

Bipartisan Commission Formed to Study Why Previous Commissions Failed to Study Commission Failures

The newly established National Commission on Commission Effectiveness has begun its comprehensive review of why 47 previous investigative panels failed to determine their own purpose. Initial findings suggest the problem may require additional study.
Revolutionary Government Portal Achieves Perfect Digital Simulation of Standing in Line at the DMV
Tech & Culture

Revolutionary Government Portal Achieves Perfect Digital Simulation of Standing in Line at the DMV

The Department of Digital Transformation proudly announces its $127 million online platform that successfully recreates every inconvenience of in-person bureaucracy while adding several innovative new obstacles. Citizens can now experience the frustration of government services from the comfort of their own homes.
Professional Democracy Interpreters Express Grave Concerns About Amateur Democracy Interpretation
Politics

Professional Democracy Interpreters Express Grave Concerns About Amateur Democracy Interpretation

The $847 million voter analysis industry warns that direct communication between politicians and constituents could bypass crucial intermediary services. Emergency summit scheduled to address alarming trend of politicians accidentally understanding what voters want.
Senate Technology Committee Prepares Comprehensive Internet Regulation After Discovering Computers Can Connect to Each Other
Tech & Culture

Senate Technology Committee Prepares Comprehensive Internet Regulation After Discovering Computers Can Connect to Each Other

Following extensive hearings in which senators expressed genuine surprise that social media platforms operate using electricity, Congress has produced a landmark 847-page bill that accidentally regulates everything except social media. The legislation includes helpful definitions such as 'algorithm: a mathematical process that does math' and requires all digital content to be approved by a committee that meets twice yearly.
Lobbying Industry Celebrates 'Democracy Enhancement Week' with Gala Honoring Transparency at Undisclosed Location
Politics

Lobbying Industry Celebrates 'Democracy Enhancement Week' with Gala Honoring Transparency at Undisclosed Location

Washington's premier influence professionals gathered to commemorate their invaluable contributions to American democracy at an exclusive event where attendance was limited to those who could afford to demonstrate their commitment to democratic participation. The evening featured heartfelt testimonials about how professional advocacy ensures that every voice is heard, provided that voice is properly amplified through appropriate channels.
Department of Pre-Planning Successfully Completes 18-Month Study on Whether to Begin Planning to Plan
Politics

Department of Pre-Planning Successfully Completes 18-Month Study on Whether to Begin Planning to Plan

After extensive deliberation, federal officials have triumphantly announced they are nearly ready to commence the preliminary phases of potentially starting to consider the infrastructure project Congress approved in 2019. The breakthrough came following a comprehensive review of who might be qualified to lead the committee that will eventually decide what the project should accomplish.
Meta-Evaluation Initiative Triumphantly Validates Need for Future Meta-Evaluations
Politics

Meta-Evaluation Initiative Triumphantly Validates Need for Future Meta-Evaluations

After 24 months and $8.3 million, the Department of Administrative Excellence has successfully determined that determining things requires determination. Officials celebrate the conclusive proof that their methodology for proving methodologies works exactly as methodically as intended.
Revolutionary Efficiency Initiative Achieves Perfect Timing by Completing Just as Next Revolutionary Efficiency Initiative Begins
Politics

Revolutionary Efficiency Initiative Achieves Perfect Timing by Completing Just as Next Revolutionary Efficiency Initiative Begins

The Department of Administrative Excellence has successfully concluded its four-year strategic overhaul designed to streamline operations, with the final report arriving precisely as officials break ground on an identical four-year strategic overhaul. Agency leaders describe the timing as 'serendipitous' and 'cost-effective.'
Agency Marks Three Decades of Outstanding Achievement in Not Starting Things
Politics

Agency Marks Three Decades of Outstanding Achievement in Not Starting Things

The Federal Bureau of Strategic Readiness Operations has reached a remarkable milestone: thirty years of flawless preparation for work that might eventually begin. Officials say the agency's commitment to thorough groundwork has never been stronger.
Federal Bureaucracy Achieves Breakthrough in Making Things More Complicated Than They Already Were
Politics

Federal Bureaucracy Achieves Breakthrough in Making Things More Complicated Than They Already Were

The newly formed Efficiency Modernization Coordination Council has successfully turned the simple act of improving government into a 23-person committee that requires three separate approvals to schedule a coffee break. Their first major accomplishment: determining that efficiency requires more inefficiency.
Committee to Evaluate Committee Effectiveness Concludes More Committees Needed to Evaluate Committee Conclusions
Politics

Committee to Evaluate Committee Effectiveness Concludes More Committees Needed to Evaluate Committee Conclusions

The Federal Advisory Committee on Advisory Committee Optimization has delivered its definitive verdict after 18 months of rigorous deliberation: America desperately needs three additional committees to properly understand what they just spent 18 months studying. The 200-page report recommends forming committees to review the committee that reviewed committees.
Congressional Investigators Launch Investigation Into Why Their Investigation Into Previous Investigations Never Investigated Anything
Politics

Congressional Investigators Launch Investigation Into Why Their Investigation Into Previous Investigations Never Investigated Anything

A freshly minted oversight committee has begun the delicate process of examining why its predecessor failed to examine why their predecessor failed to examine anything meaningful. The investigation into the investigation of investigations is expected to require its own investigation by early 2025.
Interdisciplinary Task Force Marks Three Decades of Studying Whether Task Forces Should Exist
Politics

Interdisciplinary Task Force Marks Three Decades of Studying Whether Task Forces Should Exist

The Federal Interagency Working Group on Interagency Working Groups has spent thirty years determining if government needs working groups. Their conclusion remains pending, though they've successfully created fourteen subcommittees to help reach it.
Revolutionary Transparency Act Creates Infinite Loop of Summaries, Congressional Staffers Report Existential Crisis
Tech & Culture

Revolutionary Transparency Act Creates Infinite Loop of Summaries, Congressional Staffers Report Existential Crisis

In a groundbreaking move toward government transparency, Congress has mandated that all legislation include plain-language summaries, which must themselves be summarized. The 1,400-page bill establishing this requirement notably lacks any summary whatsoever.
Revolutionary Bureaucratic Breakthrough: Agency Creates Manual for Creating Manuals That Create Other Manuals
Tech & Culture

Revolutionary Bureaucratic Breakthrough: Agency Creates Manual for Creating Manuals That Create Other Manuals

The Federal Bureau of Administrative Standardization has achieved what experts are calling 'peak bureaucracy' with the release of their new Meta-Strategic Framework Development Protocol. After three years of intensive committee work, they've successfully created a system for creating systems that will create future systems.
Department of Tomorrow Proudly Presents Yesterday's Blueprint for Next Week
Tech & Culture

Department of Tomorrow Proudly Presents Yesterday's Blueprint for Next Week

The Bureau of Strategic Foresight has finally released its comprehensive 2022-2025 Vision Statement, arriving fashionably late in December 2025 with all the timeliness of a sundial at midnight. Officials remain confident the document accurately predicts what should have happened eighteen months ago.
Circle Emerges as Peak Achievement After $2.4 Million Logo Development Initiative
Tech & Culture

Circle Emerges as Peak Achievement After $2.4 Million Logo Development Initiative

The Office of Streamlined Operations has successfully concluded a three-year logo design process, producing what officials describe as 'a revolutionary circular representation of bureaucratic excellence.' The geometric breakthrough required only fourteen committees and two design firms to achieve.